What Therapy Has Taught Me About Myself
Your mental health is your number one priority in life.
To be honest, I did not take the above statement seriously or didn’t think it applied to me…until 28 years later in life, bam - I had a realization. And this realization, unfortunately, came with a week-long meltdown and the sudden release of over-suppressed, prolonged anxiety. I wouldn’t say that this was necessarily a mid-life crisis, but more of an unexpected reality check.
If you didn’t already know (Instagram saw it first), I have been going to virtual therapy sessions on a weekly basis and I have learned SO much about myself in under two months. Although I may look like a happy and confident person on the outside (even my therapist confirmed this), I actually started going to therapy to address ONE of my insecurities that I have been struggling with (keep reading to find out what this insecurity was) and confused about for the last five years. After sharing this one insecurity with my therapist, I actually found the much needed clarity and solution towards turning this insecurity into a learning lesson instead.
However, one thing I did not realize about therapy is how it would open up a can of worms. Therapy makes you emotionally vulnerable to an extreme because you are sitting in front of your therapist, pinpointing issues that bother you and sharing random stories that you will soon later realize…all coincidentally connect. It is a common fact that insecurities and issues date back to our childhood and I was completely against this concept, as I have had a pretty stable, sheltered, and safe childhood. After my third session, I finally uncovered how one insecurity I had has transcended across ALL areas of life. I began to see the world differently as soon as I realized this one trait about me just a few weeks ago.
The moment this EUREKA lightbulb went off went inside of my head, fireworks in the form of an uncontrollable stream of tears just exploded out of my eyes. I NOW know why I have developed prolonged stress and anxiety over these past few years. I may not have shown it on the outside, but it was certainly eating away inside of me all of this time. I’ve just always suppressed these feelings and now they’ve come to dance in the daylight.
Long story short, I have discovered that I have been a doormat for 28 years of my life. What does this mean exactly? It means that I am the type of person who prioritizes other people’s needs above my own. I care about other people’s successes and well-being over my own. I think about others before I think of myself. I sacrifice my health if it means making somebody’s life better. I avoid conflict if it means the other person can be happy. I have allowed others to step on me if it means they can be a step higher towards success.
I never knew the existence of the word “boundaries”. I never realized how boundaries play such a vital role in one’s mental health and happiness. I never set boundaries with others. I never showed others when they have crossed the line until it was too late. Bottom line, I have never shown myself any ounce of respect, gratitude, or appreciation regarding where I am today…because I have failed to communicate with others where I draw the line. And this passiveness, this discomfort, this lack of self-respect…stops now.
When I look back on the 28 years of my life, being a doormat has taken over all areas of my life - family, friendships, relationships, and more. I’ve listed examples below in each area of my life to showcase how I have approached certain situations in a poor way - pretty much what past, “pre-therapy” Michelle did. Essentially, I never spoke up or defended how I felt when somebody pressured me to do something I didn’t like or that I was uncomfortable with. Instead, I ended up absorbing all of this negative energy that later transformed into anxiety. If I had spoken up or set boundaries from the start, this negative energy would have easily diffused. Or, I could have easily walked away and take myself out of an uncomfortable situation. The problem was…I never, ever took myself out of an uncomfortable situation. Not only did I gravitate towards incompatible and selfish people, but I, too, did not speak up for what I wanted. Now, let’s reflect on what I did, and what I could have done better…together.
Family: I love my family - I really do. In all honesty, I had a pretty good childhood. A lot of my friends say that I’m sheltered AF because I grew up in a very conservative and safe neighborhood with a roof over my head and food on the dinner table. I had it good - I really did. I’m grateful, I’m blessed, I’m lucky, and I’m healthy - is there anything else to be thankful for? Also, I was taught by my parents to be hospitable to everybody, which is why I have a very generous and giving nature at heart.
Situation: The kindness I adopted in life allows me to be too trusting and be taken advantage of by the wrong people. In other words, I never knew how to differentiate between a good friend and a toxic friend because I was taught to be nice to everybody. Additionally, I was the type of kid who listened to her parents probably 98% of the time. I never had to lie or sneak out about where I was going because I was an innocent and well-mannered child who respected her parents, and I had parents who respected my freedom. My straight-edge obedience eventually turned me into a complete pushover, in which I would never say “no” to anybody (even if I was uncomfortable with something). I never knew how to stand up for myself and my beliefs. Thus, I had allowed my parents, sisters, and friends to sometimes put me in uncomfortable situations because I wanted to make them happy, but in all honesty, I wasn’t always happy.
Solution: Nowadays, I’m much more vocal and stern with how I communicate my thoughts. I’m not a bitch, but I do make sure to get my point across in a firm and serious manner. If I don’t like something, I simply mention how I do not want to go to so-and-so or I don’t want to do this-and-that. When it’s family, you should always look for a compromise since there’s no point fighting about differences in opinion.
Friendships: Similarly to family, I never wanted to talk against or back at a friend in fear that this person would be unhappy. I’ll just say it - it’s inevitable, but I DON’T like making people unhappy. Essentially, I sacrificed my own happiness to make others happy. Nowadays, I know that this is not a way to live.
Situation: A previous friend (now ex-friend) asked if I could stay with her for dinner in Los Angeles. It was 8:00PM and I was over an hour away from home since LA is known to have shit traffic at almost all hours of the day. I wouldn’t have arrived home until 9:00PM - 9:30PM, at the very least. She acknowledged that I was not hungry, had to drive through rush hour traffic, and needed to wake up early for work the next day. Even after knowing all of this, she was inconsiderate towards my situation and still prioritized her own needs over mine. That night, she just wanted me to sit there as she ate away…and this definitely happened on more than one occasion.
Solution: In all honesty, I was afraid to say “no” to this friend in fear that she would get angry with me. Instead, the simple answer should have been, “I’m sorry, it’s been a long day and I need to get home.” No friend should ever pressure you to do something you don’t want to do, and no friend should ever put you in a situation where they prioritize their own needs over your own. Friendship is a two-way street, not an all you can eat buffet for one. If a friend easily gets mad over your difference in opinions, then ask yourself - are they really a friend?
Relationships: Now, I will be honest about this one. THIS topic was the initial reason I went to therapy - to ask my therapist why I always ran into the wrong guys for the last five years. Fuckbois galore, ghosting men, men who did not want to commit to a serious relationship, and actual decent men who seemed to get almost everything right but still weren’t interested in me at the end of the day. Literally, these men provided all signs of interest, but became misleading as soon as they disappeared randomly or became far less responsive out of the blue. Was I that unattractive to love? Was I that horrific to date officially?
Situation: I did everything from playing the game to saying fuck the games. I did everything from waiting to several hours to text back to texting at the same pace at the guy. I did everything from meeting him right away to waiting 1 week to 1 month before going out with him. Regardless of how different I acted in each scenario, I always ended up with the same pathetic result.
Solution: After going to therapy, I realized much later that I have looked at this situation all wrong. I kept putting every guy on a pedestal while diminishing my own measurements of self-love and self-worth. I kept prioritizing the guy’s life and failed to prioritize my own. If a guy isn’t interested in you - remember, it’s nothing personal. Take this disinterest or “rejection” as a reflection of HIS life and HIS priorities, not yours. If you not seamlessly fit into his life, then you have to simply move on and remember that you are desirable AF for somebody else out there!
If you didn’t already know, I have been taking a social media hiatus for two weeks and counting in order to begin the healing process from my overwhelming anxiety. Honestly, this offline break has been life-changing and refreshing. It’s a nice feeling to not have to feel obligated to reply to others or to do favors for others until I take care of myself. I have never felt so at peace as I did these last two weeks.
Now, there is a fine line between setting your own boundaries and being completely selfish. Naturally, I am a giver and organically want to help people; however, I now have to make a conscious effort to prioritize my own needs first and this is actually harder said than done, as I am used to serving others first. In other words, I need to make sure everything in my life is taken care of first before I can start helping others.
If you feel that you are stuck in a rut in life or feel depressed, I highly recommend seeking therapy. Professional therapists typically offer a free 10 to 15 minute consultation to speak with you regarding how they bond with their clients. If you feel that it is a good match after talking to them, you can pay for your first session and see how things go from there. I knew that I would instantly get along with the first therapist that I called because she was naturally GIVING during the consultation call - a quality that I so admire and notice in others. It’s been my fifth therapy session and counting and I’ve truly never been happier knowing that I have the power to take back my life. When I say that therapy has changed my life for the better, I truly mean it.
Also, I see therapy to be a long-term commitment for me. Although a lot of people may utilize therapy until they are “healed” from their issue, I see it as a way to cope and deal with the stresses of life in a healthy manner and truly value its positive impact on my life. Thus, I have decided to commit to therapy for the long run. Even if I manage to improve every aspect of my life since my first session, I am the type of person who always strives for improvement and I look forward to future therapy sessions to come.
If you guys don’t know where to start, I’ve included a few suggestions below on where you can start your therapist search.
How To Find Your Ideal Therapist:
Psychology Today - I just emailed and set up calls with a few therapists who caught my eye from here and found my therapist from this website : ) However, I luckily clicked well with the very first one that I hopped on call with!
For those who have read all the way through the entirety of this blog post, I truly appreciate you and your time. With this post (and future posts to come), I hope to normalize therapy and make it known that therapy can be for everybody! It is truly a life-changing process that allows you to understand yourself better and helps you achieve a healthier lifestyle overall.
Thanks for reading guys, and I’ll see you guys in the next post!